Chapter Twelve: LSD – My First Charge As An Adult

Chapter 12 of the Autobiography... Letter L, LSD.

Chapter Twelve

LSD – My First Charge As An Adult

  After being released from Ethan Allen School for boys I had the hardest time trying to find a job. I was seventeen years old, had no High School diploma and was a convicted felon. I did my best to apply for jobs in every field and location I could think of, but the one place that gave me any kind of chance was a Cousin’s Subs. The manager there offered me a part-time position to cover for someone who was out of work on a medical leave. I worked there for a few weeks and had been told that depending on if work was available when the other employee returned they may have a permanent position for me. When the time finally came for that person to return to work, the manager told me that they had to lay me off for a while since they didn’t have any work for me. He handed me a paycheck and told me they would get in touch with me if anything came up. I was as devastated as a seventeen year old could be who just lost his job, but I was also determined not to allow myself to go back to being broke again. 

  So I made an investment of my money and bought a small amount of paper LSD with the intentions to sell it. I went back home and prepackaged all two-hundred doses into single dose packages and headed straight out to make some money. It didn’t take long for the word to get out that I was selling doses so my pager rarely stayed quiet. I never expected a drug of this sort to draw such a crowd. I sold all two-hundred doses on the first night and brought home just under two-thousand dollars for my efforts. Not a bad profit for the work I put in. For the next few weeks I continued the sales and my product only got more potent when I switched to selling liquid LSD. I was so paranoid from constantly getting new customers and of course, using the LSD myself. It got bad in the end, so bad that I just wanted out. I didn’t care if I had to throw everything I had left into the garbage and survive on the money I had saved. But of course when I finally lined up a buyer for the remainder of what I had left, my girlfriend told me “It would be smarter to just sell what you have left like you’ve been doing. You’ll make more money that way.” I like a fool followed her directions and was arrested later that night by the Stateline Area Narcotics Team (SLANT) on charges of Felony possession with intent to deliver LSD. 

   After bonding out of jail I fought the case from the streets only to accumulate a number of more charges including four counts of Felony Bail Jumping. I finally was made an offer to plea to one count of Felony Bail Jumping and one reduced count of Possession with Intent to Deliver LSD. I was sentenced to one year in the county jail (no good-time) and four years of felony probation with seventeen-year imposed and stayed corrections. This felony drug conviction became the worst part of my life, and it still is yet today. That changed everything for me. I can no longer get the jobs I would have once been able to get. I can no longer join the military due to these convictions either. I hope to be able to one day overcome the discrimination that is associated with a prior drug conviction so I can go on with my life.

When I'm Very Angry...

Journal entry...

4-26-2001

Day 9

  When I’m very angry I tend to hold my feelings in until I can’t take it anymore. It starts with simple effects like gritting my teeth or clenching my fists. Depending on what other things may be going on with me to trigger my anger, it could be seconds or months before I lose it. When I finally lose it, my reaction could be anything from yelling at someone, hitting them is a rare and unusual occasion, or just breaking something. The real damage happens internally due to holding everything in. I know I drive faster when I’m angry too. I also tend to chain smoke. I try to vent sometimes, but it doesn’t always help. That varies depending on the response I get from the person I’m venting to. They could give me positive responses and be calming, or they could give me negative responses and push me further into anger. I also tend to use drugs and alcohol more often when I’m angry and that’s never a good thing, because it masks my true emotions that much more.

(Counselor Note - Why doesn’t venting always help?) 

~J. Doe

~J. Doe

Chapter One: Alcohol and Drugs – My Use

Chapter One of the Autobiography...  Letter A, Alcohol.

Chapter One

Alcohol and Drugs – My Use

  When growing up I never really expected to start using drugs or alcohol. Frankly I never did like the effect it had on the people I grew up around. But by the time I was twelve I started getting used to seeing people drinking around me more and more. So of course I wanted to give it a shot. I first got intoxicated from drinking beer. Then, when I started smoking marijuana when I was thirteen, I got put on juvenile supervision. At some point of the supervision I was mandated to do drug testing, which I failed. Once I failed the first drug test, my P.O. started giving them to me every week. Eventually I had to quit smoking marijuana, at least for the time being. Then I started having troubles going to sleep at night, so I started drinking heavily to fall asleep. I did this every night for quite some time. Before I knew it, I was used to drinking. As time went by I slowed down on my drinking, but increased my smoking of marijuana. There were a few occasions of experimenting with cough syrup around this age too. When I turned sixteen I was drinking occasionally still, and smoking marijuana almost daily. This ended when I was arrested for my first OWI and was revoked from supervision and sent to Ethan Allen. When I was released for the second time from Ethan Allen it was only a short while before I was involved in selling LSD and I was using it heavily while I was selling it. This didn’t last very long as I was finally arrested for my crime. Over the next few years I used alcohol more and more frequently as I was unable to use other drugs due to drug testing while on supervision. I did do some experimenting with different drugs throughout the years, but nothing ever amounted to more than one or two uses. My drugs use has primarily been with marijuana and alcohol. There was also a short period of time when I was sixteen or seventeen when I was abusing prescription pain killers. Then it happened again just last year. Before being sentenced for my fifth OWI last year, I was at home on house arrest for some unpaid fines. During this period of time I couldn’t drink due to an alcohol monitoring bracelet and I couldn’t use due to random drug testing. When it was almost a week until sentencing I gave up on everything. I didn’t care about failing a drug test. In my opinion, I was about to go through the worst thing I could have in over ten years. I had the option of staying at home on this house arrest for an additional year instead of going to prison. But at the time my father and I weren’t getting along very well. He didn’t even seem bothered the slightest that I was choosing prison over sitting at home with him. So I did something for the attention, and a bit of self gain. I stole all of his pain killers. When he confronted me about it I told him I guess he was going to have to call the police. While he was talking to the dispatcher on the phone I was consuming the pills. By the time the police officer came to the house I had met him on the front porch. He eventually put me into his car when he found out I was under the influence of some of the pills. I denied stealing the pills, but couldn’t deny the using of some of them. It was so obvious at that point. My eyes wouldn’t dilate and I was having troubles talking. The officer went back inside to tell my parents he was taking me to the hospital, so I consumed the rest of the pills with the hopes of not being caught with them. I was willing to risk my life to not get caught with them. I eventually woke up in the ICU at Beloit Memorial Hospital a few days later. I was hooked up to a bunch of different monitors and had a round-the-clock guard provided by the Rock County Sheriff’s Department. At some point I was taken to the Rock County Jail where I was put into the Secure Housing Unit. I was so deeply under the influence of these prescription pain killers that the next eight days were a blur. I don’t even recall speaking with my arresting officer or the drug unit detective. I admitted to stealing the pills and was granted some leniency. I was later sentenced to thirty-six months of consecutive supervision to my extended supervision. I’ve been clean ever since this incident and contrary to some people’s beliefs, I’ve had plenty of chances to use drugs since this day. Rock County Jail is a cesspool of drug dealers who’re still holding when they come in. I’ll be released from supervision on May 6^th, 2017.

You Have an Assignment: READ THIS!

Received on July 8, 2011

  Another assignment for each of us in the ERP is displaying a quote that we find applies to our program. This quote is put on a paper banner and hung up for the whole unit to view for the week. During that time, we also have to write a reason for our choosing of the quote. Following is the one I chose:

I drank for happiness,

   And became unhappy;

I drank for joy,

   And became miserable;

I drank for social ability,

   And became argumentative;

I drank for sophistication,

   And became obnoxious;

I drank for friendship,

   And made enemies;

I drank for sleep,

   And woke up tired;

I drank for strength,

   And felt weak;

I drank for relaxation,

   And got the shakes;

I drank for courage,

   And became afraid;

I drank for confidence,

   And became doubtful;

I drank to make conversation easier,

   And slurred my speech;

I drank to feel heavenly,

   And ended up feeling like hell.

-Author unknown

  The reason I chose to quote this poem is because I believe that any one of us can relate to this. Even if you don't feel as if you have an issue with alcohol, the drinking can be replaced with the use of your drug of choice. I, personally, can see myself in every aspect of this poem at one time or another, and I truly believe that if anyone has EVER used drugs or alcohol in their lifetime, and they have an open mind, they too, will find themselves relating to it also.

Until later.....

~J. Doe